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| Iggy 5179th Post
 
Platinum Carpet V.I.P- Board Master
     
     
     
     
     
|  "Re(1):Ask Iggy" , posted Tue 14 Dec 23:58
quote:
Dear Iggy
Last time I wrote you gave very helpful advice on my work place. I'm now asking for help with my lack of self confidnece. I find myself not taking very many risks and I always worry about the what would happen in a worst case senerio. I feel like I'm missing many good oppertunities. Any advice before I throw myself in front of a bus.
Dear Lost and Confused,
I am delighted to hear you overcame your fear of height! From now on, you only have to gradually increase the gap you're jumping from. Now, the roof of a bus, tomorrow, the moon! I knew you had the strength to follow your dreams, and I am so proud to have been one of the key persons that helped you go this far.
But just when we all thought your problems were solved, another one appeared. Don't worry, being unable to write properly in English happens to a lot of people. You may not have noticed it when you did it, but you even wrote «I throw myself in front of a bus» instead of «I throw myself from the top of a bus»! Oh, the good laughs.
But don't worry; this kind of things happens to a lot of people. Why, even to me! For example, yesterday, I mistakenly advised one of my clients to put a bee hive in his tea. Oh, the fun we had we the nurse when she tried to hold him still while I removed the deadly stings from his puffy tongue!
I want to say, there is no one on the internet more skilled than I am for this kind of problem. If you are unsure whether I can be of any help, let me tell you I sometimes receive mails from NARUTO! And like if it wasn’t enough, I even understand most of them! Not many people can claim they are able to achieve such matters.
So, the best advise I can give you is to double check everything you write, and all your problems should be solved immediatly.
Also, don’t forget to carefully tighten your belt when you fasten it around the branch of the tree. Oh, I mean, around your trousers! Ha, ha, ha, I did it again! Silly me.
Then, I took the liberty to check your astral sky for the few days ahead, and I want to warn you that Mars just left your astral constellation and Saturn entered it. It could have been good if it had happened two days ago, but now, Tanaka (of Genshiken) said he preferred Sailormars to Sailorsaturn. In other words, things look bad for you, and I would advise to hide under your bed sheets and never put a foot finger on the ground before the end of February.
If your boss keep calling you and threatens to fire you if you don’t go to work, explain him what I just said. If he is still angry after that, give him my phone number, I’ll explain to him directly.
And don’t forget to take away all the red metallic items from the north east corner of your room! Damnit, people ALWAYS leave red metallic items in the north east, and after that, they complain their apartment is not fengsui and that their dog infected them with AIDS.
Sincerely,
Iggy
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| Iggy 5182th Post
Platinum Carpet V.I.P- Board Master
| "Re(3):Ask Iggy" , posted Wed 15 Dec 00:52
quote:
Dear Iggy,
After reading your "Ask Iggy" column, I have fallen hopelessly in love with you. Unfortunately, I am already engaged with Mr B.Sheffield. However, Mr B.Sheffield has left me to fend for myself alone in a certain hooligan ridden place called the "Madman's Cafe", which has dulled my fondness for him. What should I do in a situation like this?
Smitten Kusomiso
Dear Smitten Kusomiso
First, let me tell you there is nothing wrong about your feelings. If you want to be physically abused by someone then left rotten in the sun after your bank account has been entirely consumed by your partner’s drinking habits, I can fill the spot as well as the next guy!
Of course, it would be better if you could decide whether you should talk about it with the partner you’re currently engaged with or not. You know, for the trial and all.
It’s funny you ask that question, because a few days ago, I was talking with a guy I managed to put in my bed after a long and tiring story about trains and Amsterdam… Oh, I won’t bother you with the details. So, this guy, let’s call him BrandonS, was talking how it was easy to cheat on his partner who was so stupid he didn’t even noticed BrandonS was seeing Brazilian prostitutes regularly.
So, you see, if you can manage to keep our love story a secret, everything will flow smoothly and I’ll have all your money consumed before you know it.
By the way, have I already advised you to run with a friend with the sun in your back, while both three of you scream the name of a popular Japanese region endlessly? I’m sure it would have a good influence on you overall sexiness, because, frankly, you look like shit.
Oh, silly me! I forgot you had no friend. Forget my last advice.
I hope my modest answer was enough to cheer up your miserable self-esteem, and don’t forget: if you’re afraid the window you’re going to jump from is too low to have you killed in the process, there is always a window higher!
Regards,
Iggy
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| Iggy 5199th Post
Platinum Carpet V.I.P- Board Master
| "Re(4):Ask Iggy" , posted Wed 15 Dec 20:49
quote:
Dear Iggy,
I'm the one who killed it, and now the police is after me.
What should I do? Should I hire a cyber-lawyer?
Thanks in advance,
Nabias Tyakgunet III
Dear Nabias Tyakgunet III
I think you couldn't find someone better to ask.
You know, two days ago, I was at a party, and there were all those beautiful guys and girls all around, and then, someone said to me "you look great", and as a matter of fact, it was true. All the people seemed to merge into one as though they were simply a croud, trying to reach me and my gorgeous, oh so gorgeous body. So I walked through them towards the flashing lights, which were absorbed by the mouvement of the people. I went there and danced, and all those people were after me, and... As you see, you can really relate on my experience about those things.
Today, I woke up on a grimy lino floor, my face flattened with my mouth open wide. A puddle of what looked like murky saliva had cooled against my lips, yet my mouth was dry and tasted of something. I could see (and smell) the solidified yellow substance on my clothes, so I was relunctant about whether I should move or not.
So, my conclusion is : remember that if you eat before you go wasted, you will be able to hold on a lot better, but your vomit will be a lot heavier. It's a choice to make. Hope it helps !
Regards,
Iggy
quote:
Dear Iggy
I have been greatly inspired by your whimsi*al and innovati*e AS*II art that flourish around many of the *afe's threads. How do you do it? Is there a *ertain ritual needed to perform to be that much of an artist?
Best Regards
A Potential AS*II Artist
Dear Potential
I can see your "c" and "v" letters on your keyboard are not working. Let me tell you something, try something else, you're not cut for the job.
Have you tried to reproduce the tragedy of 9/11 in pottery work ? I'm sure it could fit you quite well.
Regards,
Iggy
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| Iggy 5204th Post
Platinum Carpet V.I.P- Board Master
| "Re(6):Ask Iggy" , posted Thu 16 Dec 00:20
quote:
Dear Iggy,
I'm struggling between the choice of a PSP or NDS. I'm a nintendo whore I always buy nintendo products but the UMD launcher feature of PSP is just too attractive.
Can you give some advise over this?
Sign,
Confused and desperate Nintendo Whore
Dear Confused and Desperate,
As I already told you in our last session, there is nothing wrong with the fact of selling your body to old disgusting men, as long as they have money to give you before the act. I always told you : ask for the money BEFORE, not after. Don't come to me and cry they didn't paid what they said they would, it's your fault and it only makes your debt heavier.
I know what your mother said to you about this business, but who do you trust more, your mother or me? Don't listen to her, she's full of lies and envy. Just follow your dreams and fly away, you know you have the potential to do it. Beside, if you work hard until christmas, you may save enough money to buy both devices! I mean, if you manage to not use the money to support your crack addiction.
But before you buy anything, remember to come give daddy 50% of what you made, you know daddy and Mr. Donkey will be very sad if you don't.
Now put that slutty skirt on and go to work!
Sincerely,
Daddy.
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| Iggy 5206th Post
Platinum Carpet V.I.P- Board Master
| "Re(1):I seek spiritual relief" , posted Thu 16 Dec 05:15
quote:
It's been a while, but for long I have been part of several super natural issues, like having my hair covered in blood while I sleep, doors that open without any one using them, cold chills on the back and having 'invinsible hands' pull me towards the ground.
The issue is, that when I have to quit my pay check the quality of my life has decreased and thus I have become stressed out. Because of that I have been acting unfriendly and mean, I have acted in such a selfish manner that the spirits where scared away....
What should I do to get them back??? Sincerely, a man who truly seeks assistance.
Papa Mono
Dear Papa Mono,
I'm so glad to see you came back to my office! See, the world outside is not that easy to deal with without my wonder pills, is it ? Take your time to sit, take a drink of two if you want, you have all the time you want. I mean, as long as your kidneys stay in good shape, of course.
The seemingly supernatural events you're talking about are perfectly natural, it's just the brutal way you stop taking your happiness pills after you left town. What a follish idea it was to think you could live without me, ha, ha, ha!
Now, tell me, you want your happiness pill, do you ? Yes, of course you want it. But you know, they are very, very expensive, and... Oh, of course, I know you don't have money! I just thought you could work a little for me... you know, helping me keep an eye on my "weakest" clients... taking care of their families... You know, basic stuff.
I'm so glad we resumed our usual business, Mister Papa! See you next friday, I hope you'll be able to give me interesting news on the little Manuel to blackma... to talk about him with his parents, you know how concerned I am about my clients ! Speaking of which, I think I recognize these steps in the corridor... Could you leave me alone with that person for a minute ?
quote:
Dear Iggy,
...
I don't know what to say, but I want to read more of your enlightening wisdom.
...
Please, full the empty void that is my soul (and only my soul please) with your revelations.
...
Sign,
Forgotten Guru.
Guru ! I thought you left us to create your own cult! I'm sorry, you know I can't provide you with information and wisdom anymore, after what happened last time, with the gaz and the dead babies and the trials... Oh, sorry, I didn't want to remind you of these awful memories. But then, did you really think they could fly from there?
If you want, I can give you that little book on "how to collectively commit suicide and not fail at it". You know, it's already stupid enough to miss it twice, I wouldn't want you to be even more ashamed... I'm talking for your own good.
Take care,
Iggy
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| Iggy 5207th Post
Platinum Carpet V.I.P- Board Master
| "Important notice to all my clients" , posted Thu 16 Dec 05:18
Hey kids! I just have to inform you that I’m about to leave for a congress in the east of France for the next few days. There will be a good hundred of japanologists there; needless to say how precious my advices will be to each of them. With all those tacos around, I won’t be able to hang here to help the less heavily crazy of my clients, and this is why I’m writing this short notice.
First, if you are in real trouble and that my wise advices are the only thing that appears to help you, then be relieved, because it means my brainwash program is working just as planned.
If it’s a matter of life or death, and only in this case, post your problem in this thread and describe it as precisely as possible. As I said, I won’t be able to read your call for help and therefore I won’t respond to it, but it will make you feel better as the pain climbs up through your chest to your lungs; plus, it will help the doctors when they’ll open your thorax for the autopsy.
Also, I will be really tired after my trip, so I will always have the need for a cheap laugh or two.
Secondly, if you feel really desperate and life seems to have lost all meaning, remember, suicide is NEVER the solution, especially for those of you who haven’t paid yet the monthly fee of our cabinet. I’m always extremely sad when you force me to use the services of our good old miko from hell to torture yet another immortal soul; and you don’t want to make me sad, do you?
Also, while I’m here, here is a personal message to Christine: your two children are still alive. For now. You don’t want to do anything stupid and take the risk to make them lose another finger BY YOUR FAULT, do you? Check your mail, more instruction should arrive shortly. If you are not Christine, then you haven’t read this paragraph and all memory of it will be erased in the next 43 seconds, along with everything concerning your cats if you have any.
Finally, since I know you can’t do shit without my help (thanks to the wonderful, delightful yellow pill you swallow every morning on my advice), I thought it would be better if I gave you at least the vital minimum advice for the rest of the month: your horoscope.
Aries: You should do more DDR. Why did you buy this dancing mat for, you fat fattening fatty congregate of fat?
Taurus: It’s time to redecorate your apartment again. This time, try to follow my advices instead of putting these rests of pizzas on the top of that empty computer box for a change.
Gemini: She’s cheating on you! She’s cheating on you! She’s cheating on you, and now the entire Internet knows it!
Cancer: If you are a woman, be careful when you cross the street or when you drive, I see car accidents in store for you. If you are a man, you can even drive after 3 bottles of Whisky; nothing can get you until the 29th. Be careful though, you might get pregnant on the 27th between 9AM and 6PM if you don’t pay attention to what people do to you.
Lion: You’re not a good liar; the cops won’t believe you didn’t know she was three. Try to make them believe you are deaf.
Virgo: Oh, you’re going to change your tune with me, or you’ll have to look for a new therapist. Also, if you think you see me near your house in the darkness around the 21, it’s probably one of those governmental agents again, and not me. You know I would never do anything to your dog.
Libra: If you’re born by the end of September, you’re going to meet a long forgotten lover, and have the best sex of your life with him. If you’re from slightly after the middle of October, you will meet a long forgotten lover as well, but you’ll have a horrible argument and you’ll have the most awesome fight ever! If one is from the end of September and the other from mid-October, double the fun for everyone.
If you’re from some another time of the month, nothing will happen to you and you’ll die of boredom before 2005.
Scorpio: Yes, she has pretty legs, but she’s still too expensive for you. Try again next year.
Sagittarius: You will ask your father to buy Katamari Damacy for Christmas, but there will be some misunderstanding and you will get the integral of Katchatourian. Lose your next turn.
Capricorn: You are the one who bought the Katchatourian integral instead of Katamari. Your son throws UMD to you with his PSP until you spit blood.
Aquarius: Your cancer will grow worse and worse. If you think you don’t have cancer, think again.
Pisces: I hate you, and you should wash a little more often.
There you are!
Now try to behave until I’m back and please do not involve France in your next global World War III before I leave to my Caribbean house this time. Once is enough.
And most of all: remember you are ugly, nobody likes you and I’m the only friend you can relate on, because our friendship is build on the most solid link of all: Money!
Take care!
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"Re(2):Ask Iggy" , posted Wed 15 Dec 00:20
"I seek spiritual relief" , posted Thu 16 Dec 02:38:
